Author: Jacques Bekker

JOHANNESBURG — Radio personality Gareth Cliff, who keeps a home laboratory for inorganic chemistry, says he has found conclusive proof that the ANC is evil after looking properly at a periodic table for the first time. “Arsenic and lead on the same page, and not one word from Luthuli House,” Cliff said on Tuesday. He said the toxic elements were only the start. Cliff pointed to the noble gases, an entire column of elements that refuse to react to anything yet still insist on being called noble. “That’s the cabinet,” he said. He was surprised to find copper still listed…

PRETORIA — A Pretoria mother has expressed disappointment after discovering that her 10-year-old son, who has repeatedly forgotten her birthday, can recite the entire Springbok starting line-up, including replacements, without hesitation. The revelation came during a family lunch when the boy correctly identified all 23 players, their positions, provincial teams and recent injuries. Asked when his mother’s birthday was, he replied, ‘August, I think.’ His father defended the boy, explaining that remembering birthdays was considerably more difficult than remembering rugby statistics. ‘The Springbok squad changes every few weeks. His mother’s birthday has been the same for 42 years. There’s no…

JOHANNESBURG — A Johannesburg cyclist rode 40km on Sunday morning without switching on Strava, and now has nothing to show for two hours in the saddle. He only noticed when he got home and found the app had sat unopened in his pocket the whole way. He thought about riding the route again, but gave up on the idea when he worked out that nobody would believe 80km without proof. His wife said he spent most of the afternoon staring at his bicycle. ‘He keeps saying he knows what he did,’ she said. ‘I think what he’s struggling with is…

JOHANNESBURG — A new study has found that rugby referees develop an unusual fondness for disappointing large groups of people long before entering the profession. Researchers discovered that most referees displayed early signs of enjoying confrontation, arbitrary decisions and the sound of people shouting at them. ‘Many volunteered to referee playground games, disallowed perfectly good goals and refused to explain why,’ said lead researcher Dr Johan Pretorius. The study found that future referees were particularly drawn to activities where they could exercise authority without being particularly popular. Researchers believe rugby provides the ideal career path for these individuals, combining international…

JOHANNESBURG — With Australia returning to South Africa for their first Test series since 2018, hardware stores are moving sandpaper into locked cabinets alongside expensive power tools. The precautions follow the infamous Newlands scandal, when Cameron Bancroft was caught using sandpaper to alter the cricket ball, resulting in lengthy bans for himself, Steve Smith and David Warner. ‘Anyone purchasing more than two sheets of 120-grit will need to prove they’re renovating a house,’ said a Builders manager. Cricket South Africa is reportedly considering additional security measures, including mandatory pocket inspections and restrictions on loose-fitting trousers. Australian officials insist the precautions…

PRETORIA — A 48-year-old Pretoria man spent most of Saturday afternoon in prayer after his wife announced she had a headache three hours before the braai. Kobus Venter had been looking forward to rugby, brandy and a perfectly timed braai when his wife said she wasn’t feeling well and needed to lie down. “I was sympathetic, obviously,” he said. “I brought her two Panados and a glass of water. I even closed the curtains. But that was at three o’clock. The coals will be ready at six.” Things grew serious when she showed no sign of recovery by the second…