Author: Jacques Bekker

JOHANNESBURG — Woolworths has reportedly announced a budget-friendly meal inspired by Olivia’s viral R22 struggle meal, offering financially stretched South Africans the opportunity to eat affordably for just R149. The new range follows widespread interest in Olivia’s demonstration of how to prepare a filling meal with limited money. ‘We wanted to make affordable eating accessible to our customers,’ explained a Woolworths spokesperson. ‘Our version uses ethically sourced ingredients and comes in recyclable packaging.’ The R149 meal reportedly includes free-range chicken, organic vegetables and a small portion of responsibly sourced rice. Customers can also purchase an optional R39 sauce, specially developed…

PRETORIA — A South African study has found that 99% of biltong bought at butcheries never makes it home. Most of it is gone before the car leaves the parking lot. Researchers followed 500 motorists from the till to their front doors and recorded how much dried meat they ate along the way. ‘The first piece usually goes before the driver starts the engine,’ said the lead researcher. ‘By the second robot, half the packet is gone.’ Men driving alone were found to be most at risk. Many arrived home holding an empty brown paper bag. Participants mostly blamed traffic.…

JOHANNESBURG — Popular Afrikaans dating programme Boer Soek ’n Vrou has appointed television personality Anele Mdoda as its diversity and inclusion adviser following complaints that the show fails to represent South Africa’s demographics. Critics have questioned why a programme broadcast in a country where white Afrikaans speakers constitute a small minority continues to feature so many white Afrikaans-speaking farmers. ‘We accept that the programme is called Boer Soek ’n Vrou, but surely the farmers could make more of an effort to reflect the broader population,’ said one critic. Producers are reportedly considering introducing racial representation targets for contestants, although finding…

JOHANNESBURG — A Bryanston golfer struck by lightning on Saturday has described the experience as “not ideal” but a clear improvement on the afternoon his wife had planned for him at Sandton City. Deon Pretorius, 54, was on the seventh hole when the siren sounded and the rest of his fourball ran for the halfway house. He stayed to finish the hole. “I was lying three,” he said. “You don’t walk off lying three.” “There was a bang, everything went white, and then I was in the rough. Which, to be fair, is where I usually am.” His wife, Lorraine,…

JOHANNESBURG — Radio personality Gareth Cliff, who keeps a home laboratory for inorganic chemistry, says he has found conclusive proof that the ANC is evil after looking properly at a periodic table for the first time. “Arsenic and lead on the same page, and not one word from Luthuli House,” Cliff said on Tuesday. He said the toxic elements were only the start. Cliff pointed to the noble gases, an entire column of elements that refuse to react to anything yet still insist on being called noble. “That’s the cabinet,” he said. He was surprised to find copper still listed…

PRETORIA — A Pretoria mother has expressed disappointment after discovering that her 10-year-old son, who has repeatedly forgotten her birthday, can recite the entire Springbok starting line-up, including replacements, without hesitation. The revelation came during a family lunch when the boy correctly identified all 23 players, their positions, provincial teams and recent injuries. Asked when his mother’s birthday was, he replied, ‘August, I think.’ His father defended the boy, explaining that remembering birthdays was considerably more difficult than remembering rugby statistics. ‘The Springbok squad changes every few weeks. His mother’s birthday has been the same for 42 years. There’s no…