Author: Hendrik Kromhout

JOHANNESBURG — ProNutro has reportedly offered emotional support to Rice Krispies following complaints that changes to the cereal’s British recipe have left it resembling a bowl of soggy porridge. British consumers claim the familiar Snap, Crackle and Pop has been replaced by Squish, Squash and Splat, raising concerns about the cereal’s identity. ‘We’ve been in the porridge business for decades,’ explained a ProNutro spokesperson. ‘There’s no shame in being soft. The important thing is accepting who you are.’ Rice Krispies has reportedly struggled with its identity since consumers began questioning whether it still qualifies as crispy. ProNutro has offered counselling…

JOHANNESBURG — A Sandton woman has been left devastated after discovering that her decision not to vote had cost her a 10% discount at Sorbet. The 34-year-old, who skipped the election because she was busy having brunch, only learnt about the promotion when a friend mentioned it during Pilates. ‘I had absolutely no idea there was so much at stake,’ she said, fighting back tears. She immediately contacted the Electoral Commission to enquire whether it was still possible to cast a late ballot. When informed that voting had closed, she asked whether a signed affidavit confirming her commitment to democracy…

PRETORIA — Organisers of a proposed new Afrikaans political party have reportedly settled on the name Freedom Front Extra Plus after concluding that the Freedom Front Plus no longer offers sufficient protection for Afrikaner interests. The decision follows a secret meeting in Fourways where delegates discussed forming a political alternative to the existing party. ‘The Freedom Front was a good start, and Freedom Front Plus was an improvement,’ explained one organiser. ‘But times have changed. We need something with considerably more plus.’ Other names considered included Freedom Front Double Plus, Freedom Front Premium and Freedom Front Pro Max. Delegates reportedly…

JOHANNESBURG — A secret meeting to found a new Afrikaans political party nearly collapsed at a Fourways coffee shop after delegates had to hold the entire meeting in English to avoid being identified. The meeting was called to discuss the protection of Afrikaans. Organisers agreed beforehand that the language would not be spoken within earshot of neighbouring tables. “We couldn’t risk anyone hearing us,” said one delegate, who asked not to be named. “People might have realised we were Afrikaners.” The first breach came early, when a founding member ordered a kappetjino. The chairman called a short adjournment. Another delegate…

CAPE TOWN — South African author Coral Hart, who has published 370 books in 20 months, has announced plans to write at least one of them personally in 2027. Hart’s titles, almost all of them romance, appear under 21 different pen names. Each is aimed at a niche identified through market research. She puts her success down to discipline and a reliable internet connection. ‘People underestimate how much work goes into a book,’ she said. ‘You have to come up with a title and then press generate. Some days that takes twenty minutes.’ Her latest novel, The Billionaire’s Secret Amish…

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump and NATO chief Mark Rutte have defended military action against Iran, citing Persia’s burning of Athens in 480 BC. “Beautiful city. They burned it. Nobody talks about it anymore,” Trump said. Told that the Persian Empire no longer exists, he shrugged. “Same neighbourhood. Same problems.” The White House has invoiced Tehran for the temples, starting from one drachma at 3% interest compounded since 480 BC. The bill runs to 33 digits. “Frankly it’s a discount,” Trump said. Iran may pay in oil, or in carpets “if they’re good carpets.” Greece asked if the money could go…