Author: Hendrik Kromhout

PRETORIA — Relations between South Africa and the United States have deteriorated after the American ambassador reportedly threatened sanctions unless DIRCO stops serving Ricoffy at official meetings. The dispute began when the ambassador was summoned to Pretoria and offered lukewarm Ricoffy, three sachets of Cremora and unidentified biscuits. Washington described the incident as a serious breach of diplomatic protocol and is investigating whether it violates protocol. ‘Ricoffy is part of our diplomatic heritage,’ explained a DIRCO spokesperson. ‘We’ve served it at difficult negotiations for decades, some of which are still ongoing.’ The ANC accused Washington of imposing Western coffee standards…

CAPE TOWN — A Cape Town baboon who broke into a suburban home on Monday has reportedly settled in for the afternoon, hoping traffic on the N2 will delay the homeowners’ return. The baboon, believed to be from a nearby troop, helped himself to a bowl of peaches before switching on the television to monitor traffic conditions. The baboon appeared visibly relieved when SABC News reported heavy congestion heading out of the city. Neighbours say the animal has already opened the fridge, rearranged the cushions and urinated on an expensive Persian carpet. Cape Town’s baboons have become notorious for breaking…

JOHANNESBURG — South Africa has overtaken the rest of the world as the largest producer of Vaseline, after the government confirmed it would keep screwing the public for the foreseeable future. With the electricity, the water, the roads and the economy all in various stages of collapse, South Africans have built up a remarkable tolerance for being screwed. Industry analysts say demand for petroleum jelly has hit record levels. “We have always said this country has enormous untapped potential,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Trade, Industry and Competition. The government has hailed the milestone as a triumph of…

KARIEGA — Volkswagen’s Eastern Cape factory could become South Africa’s largest automotive chop shop, bringing local manufacturing into line with one of the country’s most competitive industries. Under the proposed fictional plan, assembly lines would run in reverse, with complete vehicles entering at one end and emerging as engines, gearboxes, catalytic converters and loose panels. ‘We’ve spent decades teaching people to assemble cars,’ explained an industry analyst. ‘Meanwhile, another sector has mastered dismantling them in twenty minutes, often without electricity, formal training or the owner’s permission.’ The initiative promises substantial savings on machinery, apprenticeships and labour costs, with operators already…