South Africa Becomes World’s Largest Vaseline Producer After Government Vows to Keep Screwing the Public

JOHANNESBURG — South Africa has overtaken the rest of the world as the largest producer of Vaseline, after the government confirmed it would keep screwing the public for the foreseeable future.

With the electricity, the water, the roads and the economy all in various stages of collapse, South Africans have built up a remarkable tolerance for being screwed. Industry analysts say demand for petroleum jelly has hit record levels.

“We have always said this country has enormous untapped potential,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Trade, Industry and Competition.

The government has hailed the milestone as a triumph of its industrialisation strategy. “Taiwan has chips. Germany has cars. We have petroleum jelly,” said another spokesperson.

“Under apartheid, the government screwed the majority of the population,” said one political analyst. “Democracy has allowed us to extend that service to everyone. In that sense, it’s one of our most successful transformation programmes.”

The Presidency has since promised that no South African will be left behind.

“We are building a country in which every citizen, regardless of race, gender or income, can enjoy the full benefits of government penetration,” a spokesperson said.

The Department of Mineral and Petroleum Resources is reportedly drafting a proposal to classify Vaseline as a strategic national resource.

At a ceremony marking the record, officials unveiled a giant golden tub of Vaseline, calling it a symbol of the country’s resilience and its ongoing commitment to the struggle.