PHALA PHALA — President Cyril Ramaphosa is reportedly shopping for a reinforced couch after Queen Arusha, a pregnant Ankole heifer from his herd, sold for R6.4 million.
Sources say the new sofa will feature steel drawers, combination locks, fireproof compartments and an alarm triggered by anyone approaching the cushions with a vacuum cleaner.
The Presidency insists the purchase has nothing to do with the 2020 Phala Phala burglary, when thieves stole US dollars hidden inside a sofa.
Ramaphosa maintained the money came from a legitimate buffalo sale, although the incident subsequently sparked an impeachment controversy.
A Presidency spokesperson said the new couch represented an important investment in agricultural security.
‘The president has learnt valuable lessons about protecting livestock proceeds,’ he explained. ‘Particularly the importance of proper upholstery.’
At press time, Ramaphosa was reportedly sitting on a small fortune.
The Presidency declined to clarify whether that was a figure of speech.
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The Hadeda Heckler is a South African satirical news website. Some stories are invented, others are exaggerated and a few are disturbingly close to the truth. Any resemblance to actual government competence or the stupidity of the average man or woman is purely coincidental.
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