JOHANNESBURG — Cricket South Africa has launched an urgent nationwide search for anyone with two functioning hamstrings ahead of the Test series against Australia.
The appeal follows injuries to Kagiso Rabada, Lungi Ngidi, Ottneil Baartman and Kwena Maphaka, leaving selectors increasingly desperate.
‘Previous cricket experience would be advantageous, but is no longer essential,’ said a fictional CSA spokesperson. ‘We’re primarily interested in people who can walk without limping.’
The search has expanded to include gym instructors, weekend club cricketers and anyone who successfully completed the Comrades Marathon without medical assistance.
Candidates must demonstrate that they can bend over, climb stairs and jog 20 metres without pulling something.
CSA has also approached several retired fast bowlers, although most reportedly injured themselves answering the phone.
At press time, selectors were considering playing two additional spinners and asking the Australian batsmen to fetch their own balls from the boundary.
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The Hadeda Heckler is a South African satirical news website. Some stories are invented, others are exaggerated and a few are disturbingly close to the truth. Any resemblance to actual government competence or the stupidity of the average man or woman is purely coincidental.
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